Wednesday, April 1, 2009

In there like swimwear!


The time of year is fast approaching when the weather starts getting warm and the water is getting right for dipping. Some would call it Spring/Summer. I call it DEATH....

This means the time has come to start locating a new bathing suit. Now, can you see my saddness? I am sad because I went from playboy bunny string bikinis about 5 years ago to now searching for a full length wet suit to cover up my "mommy hood."

Don't get me wrong, pregnancy wasn't that bad to me. I was left with very few light stretch marks, a hardly noticable "marcupial pouch" and a spawn we call Cadence. It could have been worse, I could have ended up with a Jackson....(for those of you who don't know, that's my soul-eating, demonic, biting, pinching, pissing 3 year-old nephew.)

Anyway, back to bathing suit alley. So, that means you have to go to a store and publicly kid yourself by picking a swimsuit that you think will compliment your graceful "widening" and will embrace your "yeah, I'm a mom but I can still have fun" outlook. Once you get into the dressing room, it only takes a minute to figure out that you are a complete idiot and you need more material and less "milf" attitude.

After dragging your child and spouse through multiple stores in the mall, maybe a few more than once, you decide on one. Might not be completely happy, but at least you have something to cover your ass in the water.

Then, the real pain in the ass comes when you get home and decide to try it on again just to make sure and then you feel like an even bigger idiot and have to go back to the store to find a cute cover-up because you realize that you are in no way comfortable even being seen in public with a swimsuit, no matter how flattering it is.

Then, after you've spent $50.00 on the suit, $20 in gas looking for the suit, you don't even wear the damn thing more than once over the summer....only to repeat the same vicious cycle next year...Damn it sucks, once again, to be a woman!


  1. You make me feel like a natural woman.

    That is very true. I gave up a few years ago, I just wear a tank top and sleepy shorts to the beach. Oh, and baby oil.

  2. That's why I keep the same one every year. That way, I don't depress myself.

    However, I've lost some weight recently. Which means that I'll have to get a new one.

    Sigh......kill me now.