Friday, April 10, 2009

The "Shit" Whisperer

Ok, this might just be TMI, but I have to get it off my chest. I overcame a HUGE obstacle yesterday and I'm very proud.

My office is a nice, brand new condo that's only about 900 sf. Although it is a very nice office, it has 3 problems: 1: There is only one bathroom, 2: My co-worker, Dannon's office is right beside the bathroom, and 3: the walls are paper thin.

I've worked here since the end of October 08 and am always terrified to go potty here. Any time I have to pee, I go in the bathroom and turn on the water. I hate him being able to hear me piss and I know if I hear him so clearly, he can hear me! Well, there has been a few times when I ingested some McDonald's + coffee in the morning and was having difficulty "holding" it. Usually if I have to do number two, I leave and go to Kmart across the street. Who knew anyone could be more comfortable shitting in Kmart than their own office? The real problem is that I am the only female at my office. As men, they expect each other to lay their stunt down. It's a little different when you are a girl.

So, this brings me to yesterday. It was late in the day and I had already taken lunch. I was sitting at my desk and my stomach started rumbling. I just tried to ignore it a few times. Then, I got little goosebumps all down my arms. I knew right then that I needed to go. But, I had already taken my lunch....so Kmart was out of the question. As time passed, I was getting desperate. Not only was Dannon in his office and off the phone, but we had a someone sitting at the receptionist desk on the OTHER side of the bathroom filling out a application! So, in my desperation, I text my brother who lives about 2 miles from my work saying "you home?" because my plan was to just "run out to play a bill" aka blow up his guest bath. Well, after NO response from my no good brother, I was almost in tears! So, I heard the applicant leave and I did what any person in need would do; I just went for it!

So I get in the bathroom and I turn the water on and the fan. I quietly tested the waters to make sure we weren't going to get the "dive bomb" affect. I was rocking back and fourth on the toilet trying to quietly release what I could. I noticed that I was whispering to myself to stay calm and focused. And then, it happened....LOUDLY. And when it happened, all I could do was laugh. You could hear me giggling from the bathroom for about 5 minutes after each "crop dusting" session. When I finished, I felt so relieved. Not only relieved that I got to go, but relieved that I was no longer terrified to answer nature's call at my office.

I left out of there like a pro. I walked out spraying the air freshener and loudly exclaiming while laughing "if I were you, I wouldn't go in there right now!" I've learned two things from this experience....I no longer have to be the "shit whisperer" in the office and that I shouldn't eat McDonald's breakfast burritos before work. Enough said.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

In there like swimwear!


So....


The time of year is fast approaching when the weather starts getting warm and the water is getting right for dipping. Some would call it Spring/Summer. I call it DEATH....


This means the time has come to start locating a new bathing suit. Now, can you see my saddness? I am sad because I went from playboy bunny string bikinis about 5 years ago to now searching for a full length wet suit to cover up my "mommy hood."


Don't get me wrong, pregnancy wasn't that bad to me. I was left with very few light stretch marks, a hardly noticable "marcupial pouch" and a spawn we call Cadence. It could have been worse, I could have ended up with a Jackson....(for those of you who don't know, that's my soul-eating, demonic, biting, pinching, pissing 3 year-old nephew.)


Anyway, back to bathing suit alley. So, that means you have to go to a store and publicly kid yourself by picking a swimsuit that you think will compliment your graceful "widening" and will embrace your "yeah, I'm a mom but I can still have fun" outlook. Once you get into the dressing room, it only takes a minute to figure out that you are a complete idiot and you need more material and less "milf" attitude.


After dragging your child and spouse through multiple stores in the mall, maybe a few more than once, you decide on one. Might not be completely happy, but at least you have something to cover your ass in the water.


Then, the real pain in the ass comes when you get home and decide to try it on again just to make sure and then you feel like an even bigger idiot and have to go back to the store to find a cute cover-up because you realize that you are in no way comfortable even being seen in public with a swimsuit, no matter how flattering it is.


Then, after you've spent $50.00 on the suit, $20 in gas looking for the suit, you don't even wear the damn thing more than once over the summer....only to repeat the same vicious cycle next year...Damn it sucks, once again, to be a woman!