Monday, January 19, 2009

To all those who have aged well....fuck off!

Ok, I always said that I would be the one to "embrace" my aging as something that is natural and beautiful. Well, all I can say is fuck that! Last week, I found my first permanent wrinkle on my face. It's on the left side and I guess is considered a 'laugh' line. You know, I know this is normal, but I'm fucking pissed! I'm only 24 years old and all the fuckers in my life have given me a wrinkle! Damn the husband, damn the hard job, damn the kid and friendships. It's all your fault!!! You all owe me. I'll send you my botox bill and let you all figure out how to split the difference. M'k? If you fall into the "damned" category above, don't call me for a week! Text first to test the waters if I'm still pissed about my wrinkle...

Haha, just kidding...but the fucking wrinkle sucks! I'm with my boobs.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I'm disgusted....

Ok, for those of you who have "light tummies" or aren't down for talking about real-life shit (no pun intended), you might want to bypass this post.
I just have to share with SOMEONE, anyone, what my asshole husband did yesterday morning. First, let's clarify: I don't call him an asshole out of meaness. I call him one out of honesty. Ok, moving on...
He gets up and like 5 minutes before me and goes into our bathroom which is in the master bed. Like most married couples, I come on in while he's taking a shit and turn on my electronics to make myself decent and prepare to take a shower. Well, about three steps into the bathroom, I notice something is definately not right. My nose hairs start to singe and my eyes start to water. My brain can't even function to identify where the stinch is coming from and instead of hauling ass out the bathroom, I just stand there, paralized like a deer in headlights. The smell was so horrible that I begin to feel my stomach pushing its contents upward.
By this time, he is finished and walking around me to get out the door while I'm bent over trying to keep from upchucking. Everytime I try to stand up, I gag. I look up and my husband is standing there laughing at me because his shit has made his wife seriously sick to her stomach. I'm cussing, he's laughing harder. Which pisses me off more. Never in my life have I smelled something so rotten, so vile.
Ever since, my stomach hasn't been the same. And when I think of the other morning, I throw up a little in my mouth. This has led me to wonder "Why do men think it's hilarious for us to be disgusted by their shit/farts?" What part of their brain controls the fact that they find humor in making us physically sick?

Don't they know it's only funny when we shit? Gawh.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Long time reader, first time blogger....

Hi, my name is Ivy and I am a self-proclaimed writer. So, extreme boredom and the crazy idea that I actually have something to say that other human beings give a shit about has led me to create this blog. Please, if you are a hater and you don't give a shit, just follow this link to As for the rest of you, I hope that you find some sort of enjoyment out of me making an ass of myself on Or at least find it something to pacify your boredom momentarily.

Now that the introductions are out of the way, let's get started! But, before we do that, my attorneys have advised me to include this advisory: