Friday, October 22, 2010

My Heart

It could have been yours, but you refused it

It could have been love, but you used it

Instead of taking it for what it really was

You chose to break it just because

Now I’m hurting and I can’t take it

I don’t care, I’m not gonna fake it

I’ll wear my broken heart on my sleeve

Just for you and the whole world to see

You took my heart and abused it

Cluttered my mind and confused it

You always said I had a pretty face

Now I’m nothing but a fucking basket case

I hope you’re happy now with her

I’ll take my broken heart back if you prefer

It’s no use to you now that it is dead

If it’s okay with you, I’ll die now instead

I’d rather lay dead than without my heart

I can’t stand the feeling of being apart

So be kind and please return it

Take my picture, rip and burn it

My memory will now fade away

And I have confidence that maybe one day

You will realize the most important part

That you, in fact, were my heart

La La La La

Ok, so I think I may be going crazy, but wait, haven't I been there all along? Have I merely adjusted to the spectrum of weird events around me and accepted them for my reality? I'm walking on air but still I am sinking in quick sand. I want to sing you my theme song, but you don't have ears. Dance with me on the beach in the dead of winter, snow falling all around us. Show me your inner light with a devilish smile tucked deep inside. Let's hold hands and skip through Central Park, running into strangers and never looking back. Prick my finger and watch my blood drip down. Joust my heart and pull it out. Take me to bed but love me none. Undress me with your eyes but leave my panties on for a kinky surprise. I'll call you on the telephone just to let you know that I don't care about the sun, only the rain. Stomp in puddles with me, tracking our mud all over my white carpet. Share all my dirty moves with all your friends but keep me to yourself. Idolize me on the highest pedestal just to knock me down one night in a drunken rage. I'll whisper sweet nothings into the air, making sure you'll never hear them. And when we gaze into each other's eyes, we will only see despise and hate because we are jealous that we aren't each other. You me and I you. Kill me softly and throw daisies in my coffin, showering me with yellow. Wake me up in the middle of the night and tell me you are leaving. Leave forever but never go anywhere. I'll love you just the same. I'll write your name in the bathroom stall with "Call for a good time." You'll be my biggest accomplishment and also, my biggest mistake. Come, stay with me in this fucked up world forever. Never leave and slip into insanity with me. Find me repulsive but something you can't deny. Love me....

A Mourning Child

Deep inside I felt that I had a reason to be me
I felt that I could make a change for the world to see
Now I know that will never be

I live a different life than everyone here
I hide away inside my adolescent fear
At night, I cry the same lonesome tear

It seems that no one will ever understand
Nor will anyone hold out their helping hand
What is the world coming to today
When no one has a kind word to say

I want someone to hold my heart
When I am crying, falling apart
I am only a child that mourns and weeps
Only a child that never sleeps

Think twice before you push another child away
Because there might always come a day
That you destroy another adolescent in a secret way

My heart has grown cold
My feelings have been sold
This sad, lonesome story never goes untold

Copyright © 2000


He knows my standard
But thinks he's below it
He's truly brilliant
But doesn't even know it
He thinks I'm perfect
But He won't admit it
He refuses to love me
Because he's "committed"
And I wonder what it'd take to make him see
All the beautiful things he could have with me
It's like wanting to hold something
You could never touch
He knows we're forbidden
But I want him so much
I write him letters
But I never send them
Guess he'll never know
How much I need him
And I wonder what it'd take to make him see
All the beautiful things he could have with me

Copyright © 2009

Heaven's Most Beautiful Angel

Heaven got its most beautiful angel
The night that she let go
God took the most precious gift
Even though I loved her so
Heaven got its most beautiful angel
The night that I lost my mother
She had all of my endearing affection
And couldn't be replaced by another
Heaven got its most beautiful angel
The day she gave into her fears
I begged and pleaded to save her
I shouted through my tears
Heaven got its most beautiful angel
The day she was proud to fly
I knew that it was her time
So I just kissed my mother good bye

Copyright © 2009

Friday, April 10, 2009

The "Shit" Whisperer

Ok, this might just be TMI, but I have to get it off my chest. I overcame a HUGE obstacle yesterday and I'm very proud.

My office is a nice, brand new condo that's only about 900 sf. Although it is a very nice office, it has 3 problems: 1: There is only one bathroom, 2: My co-worker, Dannon's office is right beside the bathroom, and 3: the walls are paper thin.

I've worked here since the end of October 08 and am always terrified to go potty here. Any time I have to pee, I go in the bathroom and turn on the water. I hate him being able to hear me piss and I know if I hear him so clearly, he can hear me! Well, there has been a few times when I ingested some McDonald's + coffee in the morning and was having difficulty "holding" it. Usually if I have to do number two, I leave and go to Kmart across the street. Who knew anyone could be more comfortable shitting in Kmart than their own office? The real problem is that I am the only female at my office. As men, they expect each other to lay their stunt down. It's a little different when you are a girl.

So, this brings me to yesterday. It was late in the day and I had already taken lunch. I was sitting at my desk and my stomach started rumbling. I just tried to ignore it a few times. Then, I got little goosebumps all down my arms. I knew right then that I needed to go. But, I had already taken my Kmart was out of the question. As time passed, I was getting desperate. Not only was Dannon in his office and off the phone, but we had a someone sitting at the receptionist desk on the OTHER side of the bathroom filling out a application! So, in my desperation, I text my brother who lives about 2 miles from my work saying "you home?" because my plan was to just "run out to play a bill" aka blow up his guest bath. Well, after NO response from my no good brother, I was almost in tears! So, I heard the applicant leave and I did what any person in need would do; I just went for it!

So I get in the bathroom and I turn the water on and the fan. I quietly tested the waters to make sure we weren't going to get the "dive bomb" affect. I was rocking back and fourth on the toilet trying to quietly release what I could. I noticed that I was whispering to myself to stay calm and focused. And then, it happened....LOUDLY. And when it happened, all I could do was laugh. You could hear me giggling from the bathroom for about 5 minutes after each "crop dusting" session. When I finished, I felt so relieved. Not only relieved that I got to go, but relieved that I was no longer terrified to answer nature's call at my office.

I left out of there like a pro. I walked out spraying the air freshener and loudly exclaiming while laughing "if I were you, I wouldn't go in there right now!" I've learned two things from this experience....I no longer have to be the "shit whisperer" in the office and that I shouldn't eat McDonald's breakfast burritos before work. Enough said.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

In there like swimwear!


The time of year is fast approaching when the weather starts getting warm and the water is getting right for dipping. Some would call it Spring/Summer. I call it DEATH....

This means the time has come to start locating a new bathing suit. Now, can you see my saddness? I am sad because I went from playboy bunny string bikinis about 5 years ago to now searching for a full length wet suit to cover up my "mommy hood."

Don't get me wrong, pregnancy wasn't that bad to me. I was left with very few light stretch marks, a hardly noticable "marcupial pouch" and a spawn we call Cadence. It could have been worse, I could have ended up with a Jackson....(for those of you who don't know, that's my soul-eating, demonic, biting, pinching, pissing 3 year-old nephew.)

Anyway, back to bathing suit alley. So, that means you have to go to a store and publicly kid yourself by picking a swimsuit that you think will compliment your graceful "widening" and will embrace your "yeah, I'm a mom but I can still have fun" outlook. Once you get into the dressing room, it only takes a minute to figure out that you are a complete idiot and you need more material and less "milf" attitude.

After dragging your child and spouse through multiple stores in the mall, maybe a few more than once, you decide on one. Might not be completely happy, but at least you have something to cover your ass in the water.

Then, the real pain in the ass comes when you get home and decide to try it on again just to make sure and then you feel like an even bigger idiot and have to go back to the store to find a cute cover-up because you realize that you are in no way comfortable even being seen in public with a swimsuit, no matter how flattering it is.

Then, after you've spent $50.00 on the suit, $20 in gas looking for the suit, you don't even wear the damn thing more than once over the summer....only to repeat the same vicious cycle next year...Damn it sucks, once again, to be a woman!