Friday, April 10, 2009

The "Shit" Whisperer

Ok, this might just be TMI, but I have to get it off my chest. I overcame a HUGE obstacle yesterday and I'm very proud.

My office is a nice, brand new condo that's only about 900 sf. Although it is a very nice office, it has 3 problems: 1: There is only one bathroom, 2: My co-worker, Dannon's office is right beside the bathroom, and 3: the walls are paper thin.

I've worked here since the end of October 08 and am always terrified to go potty here. Any time I have to pee, I go in the bathroom and turn on the water. I hate him being able to hear me piss and I know if I hear him so clearly, he can hear me! Well, there has been a few times when I ingested some McDonald's + coffee in the morning and was having difficulty "holding" it. Usually if I have to do number two, I leave and go to Kmart across the street. Who knew anyone could be more comfortable shitting in Kmart than their own office? The real problem is that I am the only female at my office. As men, they expect each other to lay their stunt down. It's a little different when you are a girl.

So, this brings me to yesterday. It was late in the day and I had already taken lunch. I was sitting at my desk and my stomach started rumbling. I just tried to ignore it a few times. Then, I got little goosebumps all down my arms. I knew right then that I needed to go. But, I had already taken my Kmart was out of the question. As time passed, I was getting desperate. Not only was Dannon in his office and off the phone, but we had a someone sitting at the receptionist desk on the OTHER side of the bathroom filling out a application! So, in my desperation, I text my brother who lives about 2 miles from my work saying "you home?" because my plan was to just "run out to play a bill" aka blow up his guest bath. Well, after NO response from my no good brother, I was almost in tears! So, I heard the applicant leave and I did what any person in need would do; I just went for it!

So I get in the bathroom and I turn the water on and the fan. I quietly tested the waters to make sure we weren't going to get the "dive bomb" affect. I was rocking back and fourth on the toilet trying to quietly release what I could. I noticed that I was whispering to myself to stay calm and focused. And then, it happened....LOUDLY. And when it happened, all I could do was laugh. You could hear me giggling from the bathroom for about 5 minutes after each "crop dusting" session. When I finished, I felt so relieved. Not only relieved that I got to go, but relieved that I was no longer terrified to answer nature's call at my office.

I left out of there like a pro. I walked out spraying the air freshener and loudly exclaiming while laughing "if I were you, I wouldn't go in there right now!" I've learned two things from this experience....I no longer have to be the "shit whisperer" in the office and that I shouldn't eat McDonald's breakfast burritos before work. Enough said.


  1. I am giggling my ass off over here!! You were right, that IS a shitastic story!!!

  2. Can I just say, I was having such a bad moment just before I read this and needed something to make me laugh - I was in tears before and this - YOU - have managed to make me howl over here with laughter.

    THANK YOU! :)

  3. Deb! I'm so glad I could make you laugh! It was horrifying but by the end of it, I was in tears laughing and just thinking of me whispering on the toilet to just remain calm is hysterical to me! Hope your day is better from here on out!

  4. That was so freakin' funny. Thanks for that laugh. And good for you!

  5. I am so proud of you. My little shit whisperer.

  6. OMG... that was hilarious! I have the same phobia. There are 2 bathrooms in our office. There is one in front of my office, but my boss's office is right next to mine, so I always opt to go to the other side where there is only Steve's office and he is hardly ever there. So every day, I walk to the other side to pee. I know that everyone has noticed this trend by now, but I don't care! They all know I am crazy.
    Props to you though for conquering your fear!

  7. You have been tagged...

  8. I need your help, shit whisperer...teach me in your gentle ways... help me, shit whisperer, help me!