Friday, April 10, 2009

The "Shit" Whisperer

Ok, this might just be TMI, but I have to get it off my chest. I overcame a HUGE obstacle yesterday and I'm very proud.

My office is a nice, brand new condo that's only about 900 sf. Although it is a very nice office, it has 3 problems: 1: There is only one bathroom, 2: My co-worker, Dannon's office is right beside the bathroom, and 3: the walls are paper thin.

I've worked here since the end of October 08 and am always terrified to go potty here. Any time I have to pee, I go in the bathroom and turn on the water. I hate him being able to hear me piss and I know if I hear him so clearly, he can hear me! Well, there has been a few times when I ingested some McDonald's + coffee in the morning and was having difficulty "holding" it. Usually if I have to do number two, I leave and go to Kmart across the street. Who knew anyone could be more comfortable shitting in Kmart than their own office? The real problem is that I am the only female at my office. As men, they expect each other to lay their stunt down. It's a little different when you are a girl.

So, this brings me to yesterday. It was late in the day and I had already taken lunch. I was sitting at my desk and my stomach started rumbling. I just tried to ignore it a few times. Then, I got little goosebumps all down my arms. I knew right then that I needed to go. But, I had already taken my lunch....so Kmart was out of the question. As time passed, I was getting desperate. Not only was Dannon in his office and off the phone, but we had a someone sitting at the receptionist desk on the OTHER side of the bathroom filling out a application! So, in my desperation, I text my brother who lives about 2 miles from my work saying "you home?" because my plan was to just "run out to play a bill" aka blow up his guest bath. Well, after NO response from my no good brother, I was almost in tears! So, I heard the applicant leave and I did what any person in need would do; I just went for it!

So I get in the bathroom and I turn the water on and the fan. I quietly tested the waters to make sure we weren't going to get the "dive bomb" affect. I was rocking back and fourth on the toilet trying to quietly release what I could. I noticed that I was whispering to myself to stay calm and focused. And then, it happened....LOUDLY. And when it happened, all I could do was laugh. You could hear me giggling from the bathroom for about 5 minutes after each "crop dusting" session. When I finished, I felt so relieved. Not only relieved that I got to go, but relieved that I was no longer terrified to answer nature's call at my office.

I left out of there like a pro. I walked out spraying the air freshener and loudly exclaiming while laughing "if I were you, I wouldn't go in there right now!" I've learned two things from this experience....I no longer have to be the "shit whisperer" in the office and that I shouldn't eat McDonald's breakfast burritos before work. Enough said.

7 comments:

  1. Can I just say, I was having such a bad moment just before I read this and needed something to make me laugh - I was in tears before and this - YOU - have managed to make me howl over here with laughter.

    THANK YOU! :)

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  2. Deb! I'm so glad I could make you laugh! It was horrifying but by the end of it, I was in tears laughing and just thinking of me whispering on the toilet to just remain calm is hysterical to me! Hope your day is better from here on out!

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  3. That was so freakin' funny. Thanks for that laugh. And good for you!

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  4. I am so proud of you. My little shit whisperer.

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  5. OMG... that was hilarious! I have the same phobia. There are 2 bathrooms in our office. There is one in front of my office, but my boss's office is right next to mine, so I always opt to go to the other side where there is only Steve's office and he is hardly ever there. So every day, I walk to the other side to pee. I know that everyone has noticed this trend by now, but I don't care! They all know I am crazy.
    Props to you though for conquering your fear!

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  6. You have been tagged... http://i-just-wait.blogspot.com/2009/05/randomness.html
    :)

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  7. I need your help, shit whisperer...teach me in your gentle ways... help me, shit whisperer, help me!

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